Coyote Trax's Webcomics Critique

Not Quite A Friday Feature

Yes, yes. I’m too busy to read new comics, but that won’t stop me briefly ranting about old ones.

Of late, I have ceased reading explosm.net’s Cyanide and Happiness. Of the four cartoonists, Dave, Rob and Kris, range from mildly humorous to outstandingly hilarious, give or take a chuckle or two. The fourth, autistic-runt child in their webcomic family is Matt. Matt Melvin. The name says it all, really. He’s only allowed to update the cartoon once a week, presumably as a concession for building the site which could only have been granted because he’d caused the ears of his fellow cartoonists to bleed due to his over-extended telling of “humorous narrative”.

I liken him to an idiot child that everyone just wants to keep happy. People saying,
“Why, yes, Matt. You can have your very own cartoon too,” while nodding patronisingly at his abnormal geek-features. I could quite happily beat him over the head with a large stick, roll him up in a carpet bought from a charity shop, piss on that carpet with him inside, and then leave him on the side of the street so the tramps can have at him.

Now, I could readily go into detail as to how Melvin cannot construct a joke. Even the most basic of all single panel visual gags he couldn’t get right. The one in question is this ‘un. http://www.explosm.net/comics/2048/ Now, I don’t give a damn about whether or not humour is based on racial or religious stereotypes or whatever, that’s not usually an issue once it’s not malicious or totally bigoted. This, however, crosses a serious line. It. Isn’t. FUNNY. The punchline is weak. Melvin’s track record is weak. And as of this weak (week) I am no longer reading Cyanide and Happiness.

Sure, the more learned of you are probably saying, “Why not just avoid that gigantic ferret-faced humour vacuum’s updates instead?” Well, I answer you thusly: Because that’s what they want me to do. I know they know he’s their worst creative contributor. Clearly, Matt lives in some entirely oblivious-to-everyone-and-everything realm because he’s gone and written a “humorous” book about “vampires” that we’re “supposed” to find “funny”. Fuck off, you incredibly dull, incessantly boring, intelligence challenged pity magnet. Nervous laughter is the best he could hope for, as he tells his little “jokes” with that maniacal look in his eyes that says he could kill everyone in the room if they didn’t find him funny. And laugh they do, unconvincingly at best, but it’s enough for his warped little mind to make pretend that he’s just fucking brilliant.

I have this incredibly ridiculous faith in mankind, and whenever I see that Melvin has updated I think that today, finally, that moron has grown a sense of humour. But alas and alack, I am always disappointed. So from now on, to avoid that disappointment and have my faith in mankind preserved via ignorance, I shall no longer keep up with Cyanide and Happiness while Matt ‘The Tosser’ Melvin is a part of their “humour”.

IT JUST ISN’T FUNNY.

In other news, I haven’t read Ctrl+Alt+Del in a while. It just bores the hell outta me. Good luck to anyone still sticking with it. I hope Tim learns to write in the near future.

My best,

Dave